Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
GEEZ
I'm so angry at the things I can't have but how can I be? I've never even asked for them... and that is one of my biggest problems. Like what is so wrong with me that I can't just speak up and tell people how I really feel? Used, unimportant, like second best...Janelle just stop going on rants on blogs and say something. The thing is, interaction is so much harder when it isn't written. I feel more of myself when I'm talking through a fucking screen rather than to someone's face and I just want to make a change and just be the rad bitch I always am instead of being reduced to a timid little shrew every time I'm with someone who isn't family. That has caused people to mistake me for boring, slow-witted, uninteresting, and a lot of other shitty things when I'm anything but.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
La petit mort
La Petit Mort (this is what the French call an orgasm and it means 'A little Death')
If each climax is one little death
I want to end your life a thousand times
As you lie backside to the cool sheets
My body atop yours, making you stiff as a tombstone
If one little death means a simple moment of bliss
I want you to kill me as you come into me
take the breath from my body
and bury me in the sheets beside you
If each climax is one little death
I want to end your life a thousand times
As you lie backside to the cool sheets
My body atop yours, making you stiff as a tombstone
If one little death means a simple moment of bliss
I want you to kill me as you come into me
take the breath from my body
and bury me in the sheets beside you
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Play the game to win
Needing affection and acknowledgement and love is the most complicated part of being a human and it's hard because sometimes we want it so badly, we ignore everything else. We hear those sweet lies and want so badly to believe what isn't true. I'm not ignorant. I acknowledge that all that comes out of that perfecct mouth isn't a sparkly, glittery, exquisite word of truth. I acknowledge that I care more therefore I have less power. I acknowledge that I am being taken for granted. I acknowledge that I am only wasting time and making mistakes. But I surely am a fool because I don't care and it's not because I'm in love or anything stupid. Though it is still there because I have a faithful heart, that love has long been exhausted. Not at all as bright and flourishing as it was all those months ago because it's been tarnished by reality.
So then why am I going through with my deeply flawed DV plan?
It's like when my TOM is here and I'm really craving something sweet. The moment desire kicks in, I get my ass up and go to the store to satisfy it so I'm going to apply the same logic to this area of my life. I just need to get it out the way or I'll always have this pathetic longing. Maybe after, I'll regret it...but at least I made my own decision and I'll finally have peace.
I just need this one night, one straight shot, and boom! Infatuation is over. I'm like a guy...once I do the horizontal polka I'm done. My heart will take a chill pill and that feeling in my stomach will go away and I'll be able to sleep without waking up to Niagara Falls in my underwear.
So then why am I going through with my deeply flawed DV plan?
It's like when my TOM is here and I'm really craving something sweet. The moment desire kicks in, I get my ass up and go to the store to satisfy it so I'm going to apply the same logic to this area of my life. I just need to get it out the way or I'll always have this pathetic longing. Maybe after, I'll regret it...but at least I made my own decision and I'll finally have peace.
I just need this one night, one straight shot, and boom! Infatuation is over. I'm like a guy...once I do the horizontal polka I'm done. My heart will take a chill pill and that feeling in my stomach will go away and I'll be able to sleep without waking up to Niagara Falls in my underwear.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Now I'm a real raunchy muthafucka, I am, but...
I do sincerely so love God. I love him more than anything in existence and though I thank him less often than I should, he knows how grateful I am to him for bringing me out of such sorrow and anger and self-hatred. Let me explain...
For most everybody, childhood was the golden age, and for the most part I'm no exception. My parents gave me the best childhood a kid could have. I dressed up and went out on Halloween with my brother and sister. I had rollerskates, a Barbie Jeep and tons of dolls as well as my brother's old Sega handheld gaming device along with all his old games. I played outside constantly, there was never a day I wasn't running around the neighborhood busting knees and toes and stealing newspapers because I was a hardcore kleptomaniac (seriously). It was a really beautiful time for me. I was so free and then came crippling reality. 3rd grade. That was the year they made me realize I wasn't pretty like the other girls, that personality would always be second rate to attractiveness. And my downward spiral (actually the reason for my blog name) only continued on as the years passed. I was about 9 when I realized my constant unhappiness. I didn't understand depression but I was dealing with it. I had very few friends and even then, most of those few weren't really friends. They were assholes who befriended me as some kind of "PROJECT" for them to work on, to fix. I was harassed physically and verbally every single day. People who didn't even know me wanted to hurt me and I couldn't fathom why. I did everything my parents and preschool teachers taught me. I shared, I was polite, I apologized when I was wrong, I was nice...none of it worked. But the whole time I was enduring my own private hell, there was a beacon of light hanging just overhead. It was God and that is why I am so close to Him now because even in my darkest days he was there and I'm proud of myself for never giving up on my faith as so many of us do when we become weak in our spirits and that weakness manifests itself into anger before turning into doubt and eventually complete disbelief. You have to hold on if you ever want to see the miracles God is working in your life. I was fucking 12 the first time I thought of taking my life and 15 when I actually tried to. Doesn't that say something that at such a young age where we see the whole 'It gets better' slogan as bullshit because we need quick gratification and results, I didn't lose patience and just kill myself? I was a kid and kids are so quick to whine and complain and believe that the world is against them. So shouldn't it have been easy for me to just slit my wrists and end it? The fact that even though I was obsessed with death but never once ended up in the emergency room, proves that my Father was working in my life. He held me back from the edge when I wanted so badly to jump. I got dragged through the mud from 9 to 16 but somehow I still ended up okay. He showed me it indeed does get better and not because religion made it all better and offered quick results within 5 days! No. It was slow, painful, and seemed to never end but that is what faith is about. Holding on in the midst of the storm. It was in the darkness that he came in and began the healing. I still remember the days where I'd get hit with rocks and spat on...I'd just go and sit by myself under a tree and read my bible quietly to get away from their cruel looks and words. I was under his blanket of grace then and I am still under it now. I know this because he's made the impossible, possible.
I am happy. For the first time in forever.
For most everybody, childhood was the golden age, and for the most part I'm no exception. My parents gave me the best childhood a kid could have. I dressed up and went out on Halloween with my brother and sister. I had rollerskates, a Barbie Jeep and tons of dolls as well as my brother's old Sega handheld gaming device along with all his old games. I played outside constantly, there was never a day I wasn't running around the neighborhood busting knees and toes and stealing newspapers because I was a hardcore kleptomaniac (seriously). It was a really beautiful time for me. I was so free and then came crippling reality. 3rd grade. That was the year they made me realize I wasn't pretty like the other girls, that personality would always be second rate to attractiveness. And my downward spiral (actually the reason for my blog name) only continued on as the years passed. I was about 9 when I realized my constant unhappiness. I didn't understand depression but I was dealing with it. I had very few friends and even then, most of those few weren't really friends. They were assholes who befriended me as some kind of "PROJECT" for them to work on, to fix. I was harassed physically and verbally every single day. People who didn't even know me wanted to hurt me and I couldn't fathom why. I did everything my parents and preschool teachers taught me. I shared, I was polite, I apologized when I was wrong, I was nice...none of it worked. But the whole time I was enduring my own private hell, there was a beacon of light hanging just overhead. It was God and that is why I am so close to Him now because even in my darkest days he was there and I'm proud of myself for never giving up on my faith as so many of us do when we become weak in our spirits and that weakness manifests itself into anger before turning into doubt and eventually complete disbelief. You have to hold on if you ever want to see the miracles God is working in your life. I was fucking 12 the first time I thought of taking my life and 15 when I actually tried to. Doesn't that say something that at such a young age where we see the whole 'It gets better' slogan as bullshit because we need quick gratification and results, I didn't lose patience and just kill myself? I was a kid and kids are so quick to whine and complain and believe that the world is against them. So shouldn't it have been easy for me to just slit my wrists and end it? The fact that even though I was obsessed with death but never once ended up in the emergency room, proves that my Father was working in my life. He held me back from the edge when I wanted so badly to jump. I got dragged through the mud from 9 to 16 but somehow I still ended up okay. He showed me it indeed does get better and not because religion made it all better and offered quick results within 5 days! No. It was slow, painful, and seemed to never end but that is what faith is about. Holding on in the midst of the storm. It was in the darkness that he came in and began the healing. I still remember the days where I'd get hit with rocks and spat on...I'd just go and sit by myself under a tree and read my bible quietly to get away from their cruel looks and words. I was under his blanket of grace then and I am still under it now. I know this because he's made the impossible, possible.
I am happy. For the first time in forever.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Today I got "excited" cuz a guy called me sweetheart over the phone at work today...
If that isn't the most pathetic thing you've ever heard, I don't know what is. At this time in my life (aka the past 3 months) I've been in near-constant heat like a fucking animal. The breaks are far and few between and I go from acting like a sexually deprived nutjob back to a boring nun within mere seconds. And it's so stupid how the smallest things (the way a guy says my name or looks me over, JUST ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING) give me urges that would make the devil blush. The thirst is too real to go unquenched...the D will be mine soon.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Buying new underwear is therapeutic as fuck
Like I feel powerful and sexy and amazing...and it's all because of a thin, see through piece of fabric. It really is the little things in life that make us feel the most =)
Friday, January 17, 2014
A few days ago I talked to a friend about how I'd like to become a slut...
Thing is, I didn't mean that negatively. I'm one of those feminists who wants to reclaim that word and use it as a term of empowerment because I don't see a problem with women who freely fuck however and whenever they choose. I don't see the word slut as a bad thing but those sexually frustrated puritanical/misogynistic assholes do and just to spite them, I'm going to own it. I'm going have sex with men who are strangers, men I exclusively or do
not exclusively date, against buildings in dark alleyways, on the floor of his apartment, on my kitchen counter, and every fucking where else I please because I can and I will not apologize for it. Hell, maybe I'll even experiment with a thick
yellow bone or a sexy redhead girl just to say I fucked a bad bitch...and if my aspirations make me a slut, what the fuck ever. I'm a slut.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
This poem reminds me of you
❝Do not fall in love
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes
Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth
Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name
do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold
do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet
we will never learn
how to be soft
we will leave.
we always do.❞
— Do Not Fall in Love With People Like Me, alonesomes
With people like me.
people like me
will love you so hard
that you turn into stone
into a statue where people
come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve
that faraway look into your eyes
Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth
Do not come any closer.
people like me
are bombs
when our time is up
we will splatter loss
all over your walls
in angry colors
that make you wish
your doorway never
learned our name
do not fall in love
with people like me.
with the lonely ones
we will forget our own names
if it means learning yours
we will make you think
hurricanes are gentle
that pain is a gift
you will get lost
in the desperation
in the longing for something
that is always reaching
but never able to hold
do not fall in love
with people like me.
we will destroy your
apartment
we will throw apologies at you
that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet
we will never learn
how to be soft
we will leave.
we always do.❞
Saturday, January 11, 2014
There's plenty of pretty women who would ride your dick if you asked them to
so stop pestering me...
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
I want long nights dedicated
to discovering every freckle on your body
and early mornings spent
doing nothing but running my hands through your hair
I want the brightness of my eyes to be reflected in yours
I want you to be a mirror of my own happiness
and most of all, I want to stop the cruel fantasies
that depict what this heaven must feel like in my head
and live it
to discovering every freckle on your body
and early mornings spent
doing nothing but running my hands through your hair
I want the brightness of my eyes to be reflected in yours
I want you to be a mirror of my own happiness
and most of all, I want to stop the cruel fantasies
that depict what this heaven must feel like in my head
and live it
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
this blog is a dissapointment
I wanted to be a voice of many in my generation, I wanted to say important things, I wanted to make a difference...but all I wrote about was a bunch of trivial bullshit.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Relationships
It must be boring as hell being with someone who is exactly like you. Idk, I just believe in the power of opposites attracting and when they come together its like water colliding with earth....which usually just makes a mess but messy is exciting and fun. I see no fun in being a cute little cookie cutter couple, I see no fun in predictability.
PSA: Stop being fake
They
say flattery will get you no where and I disagree, it'll get you a few
places...but you'll only get so far before people begin to realize what a
transparent kiss ass you are. Just be genuine. Sincerity is a rare
commodity that everyone's after these days so demonstrate it.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Thirst
I pretend these strange lips are familiar
as they kiss a messy trail down my collarbone
I take those hands, so rushed and clumsy
and put them on places I only ever wanted you to touch
Out of breath and aroused
but not on fire, not as alive and free as you made me feel
My fingers take a dive for his belt and
it's hurried and impersonal, cold and detached
not a slow seduction just the actions of a boy and girl who want quick gratification
Dim the lights so he can't see in my eyes that this is all an act
Dim the lights so I can't see his face but I can imagine it belongs to another
Dim the lights so we can use each other in the darkness
and I can quench the thirst that comes when I think of you
as they kiss a messy trail down my collarbone
I take those hands, so rushed and clumsy
and put them on places I only ever wanted you to touch
Out of breath and aroused
but not on fire, not as alive and free as you made me feel
My fingers take a dive for his belt and
it's hurried and impersonal, cold and detached
not a slow seduction just the actions of a boy and girl who want quick gratification
Dim the lights so he can't see in my eyes that this is all an act
Dim the lights so I can't see his face but I can imagine it belongs to another
Dim the lights so we can use each other in the darkness
and I can quench the thirst that comes when I think of you
Make believe
When I was a girl I had quite the imagination
I'd dream up magnificent steeds, kings, and castles
Close my eyes and take a bite out of mud pies as if they were really made of chocolate
With just one thought, I could transform my bedroom into a cave and myself, into an explorer
My talent for turning boring reality into a beautiful fantasy never left me
Even now as a woman, I have a gifted mind
One that helps me pretend I know what I'm doing
That it's all okay...
I'd dream up magnificent steeds, kings, and castles
Close my eyes and take a bite out of mud pies as if they were really made of chocolate
With just one thought, I could transform my bedroom into a cave and myself, into an explorer
My talent for turning boring reality into a beautiful fantasy never left me
Even now as a woman, I have a gifted mind
One that helps me pretend I know what I'm doing
That it's all okay...
2014: ON THAT NEW SHIT
I came up with this little challenge for myself where I basically have to do something NEW every month so that by the end of the year I can say I've had at least 12 unique experiences in 2014. These are the things I want to do but there's no penalty if I don't do them as long as I complete another new and equally unique activity in it's place. The penalty for not doing anything unique is that I have to buy a ticket to a sold out Justin Bieber concert, attend, and loudly amidst millions of psychopathic teen girls, scream that he sucks.
January: GET A REAL ADULT JOB!
February: HAVE A VALENTINE!
March: START TAKING FENCING AND ARCHERY CLASSES!
April: FLY PORTLAND FOR SPRING BREAK!/ROAD TRIP TO SEE GROUPLOVE IN ARIZONA
May: FIRST TRIP TO THE STRIP CLUB!
June: STUDY ABROAD IN FRANCE!
July: GO TO COMIC-CON!
August: GO SKYDIVING!
September: GET DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY 21st!
October: CRASH A HALLOWEEN PARTY (preferably the one they have at the Playboy Mansion)!
November: HAVE DINNER AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING!
December: KISS SOMEONE UNDER THE MISTLETOE ON CHRISTMAS OR CHRISTMAS EVE AND AT MIDNIGHT ON NEW YEAR'S!
January: GET A REAL ADULT JOB!
February: HAVE A VALENTINE!
March: START TAKING FENCING AND ARCHERY CLASSES!
April: FLY PORTLAND FOR SPRING BREAK!/ROAD TRIP TO SEE GROUPLOVE IN ARIZONA
May: FIRST TRIP TO THE STRIP CLUB!
June: STUDY ABROAD IN FRANCE!
July: GO TO COMIC-CON!
August: GO SKYDIVING!
September: GET DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY 21st!
October: CRASH A HALLOWEEN PARTY (preferably the one they have at the Playboy Mansion)!
November: HAVE DINNER AT SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING!
December: KISS SOMEONE UNDER THE MISTLETOE ON CHRISTMAS OR CHRISTMAS EVE AND AT MIDNIGHT ON NEW YEAR'S!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)