I do sincerely so love God. I love him more than anything in existence and though I thank him less often than I should, he knows how grateful I am to him for bringing me out of such sorrow and anger and self-hatred. Let me explain...
For most everybody, childhood was the golden age, and for the most part I'm no exception. My parents gave me the best childhood a kid could have. I dressed up and went out on Halloween with my brother and sister. I had rollerskates, a Barbie Jeep and tons of dolls as well as my brother's old Sega handheld gaming device along with all his old games. I played outside constantly, there was never a day I wasn't running around the neighborhood busting knees and toes and stealing newspapers because I was a hardcore kleptomaniac (seriously). It was a really beautiful time for me. I was so free and then came crippling reality. 3rd grade. That was the year they made me realize I wasn't pretty like the other girls, that personality would always be second rate to attractiveness. And my downward spiral (actually the reason for my blog name) only continued on as the years passed. I was about 9 when I realized my constant unhappiness. I didn't understand depression but I was dealing with it. I had very few friends and even then, most of those few weren't really friends. They were assholes who befriended me as some kind of "PROJECT" for them to work on, to fix. I was harassed physically and verbally every single day. People who didn't even know me wanted to hurt me and I couldn't fathom why. I did everything my parents and preschool teachers taught me. I shared, I was polite, I apologized when I was wrong, I was nice...none of it worked. But the whole time I was enduring my own private hell, there was a beacon of light hanging just overhead. It was God and that is why I am so close to Him now because even in my darkest days he was there and I'm proud of myself for never giving up on my faith as so many of us do when we become weak in our spirits and that weakness manifests itself into anger before turning into doubt and eventually complete disbelief. You have to hold on if you ever want to see the miracles God is working in your life. I was fucking 12 the first time I thought of taking my life and 15 when I actually tried to. Doesn't that say something that at such a young age where we see the whole 'It gets better' slogan as bullshit because we need quick gratification and results, I didn't lose patience and just kill myself? I was a kid and kids are so quick to whine and complain and believe that the world is against them. So shouldn't it have been easy for me to just slit my wrists and end it? The fact that even though I was obsessed with death but never once ended up in the emergency room, proves that my Father was working in my life. He held me back from the edge when I wanted so badly to jump. I got dragged through the mud from 9 to 16 but somehow I still ended up okay. He showed me it indeed does get better and not because religion made it all better and offered quick results within 5 days! No. It was slow, painful, and seemed to never end but that is what faith is about. Holding on in the midst of the storm. It was in the darkness that he came in and began the healing. I still remember the days where I'd get hit with rocks and spat on...I'd just go and sit by myself under a tree and read my bible quietly to get away from their cruel looks and words. I was under his blanket of grace then and I am still under it now. I know this because he's made the impossible, possible.
I am happy. For the first time in forever.
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