Dedicated to the most special person in my life. I love you now and unfortunately forever.

You say you don't believe in God...
and it bothers me
how can it not when I have seen Him with my own eyes? 
In the way one corner of your mouth rises to form a half-smirk,
in the deep mocha brown He painted those striking irises, 
in the intrepidity of your gaze 
and the wild russet sea that is your dark hair. 
I even saw him the night we first met
behind the black curtain of my closed eyes
when your mouth was pressed against mine
I see constant flashes of Him in who you are, 
in the one-of-a-kind patterns he wove with his mighty fingers into the quilt of your mind
In your Strength, your Heart, your Beauty. He is there.

Believe me. God is real, I’ve seen Him. 

Much of this life is dedicated to cleaning up other people's messes. The Recession, War, adoption, and so many other things that have become so normal to the world are really just a demonstration of how terrible people are, how they care nothing about future generations and how we continue to make the world a worse place and someday, our children will be the ones paying for it and cleaning up after us.

De-Virginization

It may seem really horn doggish of me but literally all I want for Christmas is to have some really nice sex with a really nice boy...

I'm already really sure of the person I want to do it with, so the biggest decision is taken care of. And even though I heard virgins nearly always suck their first time, I plan on making it ONE of the greatest, if not the actual greatest night of his life. I watch too much porn and practiced so many different moves on my pillow, I should be a pro when the time comes...so not too worried about my inexperience turning this into an awkward mess. Pain is a non-factor as well, when you've had teeth pulled with little to no anesthesia nothing hurts as much anymore. Self-consciousness isn't a big deal. Since I've been losing weight from all the walking I do at school and my low-calorie intake, I've become really happy with my body and wearing kick ass underwear just adds to the confidence....not to be conceited but I look absolutely jizz-worthy in black lace...

How and when I'm going to ask is my only dilemma. Then again, he probably already knows I wanna fuck his brains out...I make it a little obvious from time to time. 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MAYONNAISE!

It's been a whole year that I've had my grumpy little sugar quills =)

He hates me most days and simply tolerates me on others but I know underneath that spiky exterior is a heart filled with love....lol jk, my hedgehog is the king of assholes and he hates me deeply (except on bath day). Still love him though.

Blogs are therapeutic as hell. I'm not sure if anyone reads any of this crap but even if no one does, it doesn't matter. It's a release.

Drake is a gotdamn genius!

Never been a big fan of Drake because he always seemed like a real simp ass nigga but recently I've come to realize that I was wrong about him. I think it has a lot to do with how I've changed, how experiencing love and having my heart broken for the first time has changed me. I can relate now. And what I love best is that Drake isn't just good for helping me through my mopey phase, he's still helping me now that the veil of melancholy has been lifted, into my stage of acceptance.

He creates some emotionally potent shit. I'm no longer plagued with thoughts that make me feel like shit...like I wasn't special enough for him to try to make it work and to grow to love me the way I love him. None of that bullshit exists in my mind anymore but has been replaced by thoughts of how amazing I am and how I can do no wrong! So instead of listening to Adele wail like a fucking banshee, I make playlists dedicated to my badbitchery and radicalness. I'm not even kidding. I literally have a CD in my car that says Who needs a man when you're the baddest?

Its not a testament to my blatant conceit or self-involvement. It's just what I need right now and it works; the power of music has truly moved me. My self-esteem has reached heights never before seen all because it allowed me to believe that I am perfection, that I am the best any guy I've dated will ever get. It gave me peace and truth.

There's one song that especially fills me with impish joy. It's called Shot For Me.

That song is my anthem right now because what the song is basically saying is: I made you better in every way. You were good when we met but I made you the absolute best version of yourself...and you want to act like you don't know that, you want to forget about me and all the awesomeness I gave you but that's okay. Have fun being a sub-par piece of shit.

And I tell you this. My friends, there will always be someone seeking to use one part of your selves, and at the same time urging you to forget or destroy all of the other selves. And I warn you, this is death. Death to you as a woman, death to you as a poet, death to you as a human being.

— Audre Lorde, “Self-Definition and My Poetry” 

I love Jesus, I'm a firm believer in the bible, and a devout Christian but sometimes I think, you know, if I wasn't raised that way, what spiritual teachings or other religions would I naturally gravitate toward?

Pretty sure I'd be catholic which is basically the same thing with a lot more emphasis on Mary...but  Taoism appeals to me quite a lot as well. I believe harmony and balance is so important and the Taoist word exemplifies that so well.

Yeah, I'd totes be a Taoist.

Who am I?

I'm the girl who blew off prom in favor of a night of gaming and pizza.

I'm the girl who stood up to her 7th grade bully after 2 years of silence by hitting him square in the face with a 3 and a half pound textbook.

 I'm the girl who chopped all her hair off Senior year, shaved it down to a Mohawk, and dyed it blue as a big FUCK YOU to the silly conventional beauty standards that all teenage girls have to meet in order to be popular and accepted...and ended up gaining more friends and becoming accepted regardless.

I'm the girl that's said no to every guy who's ever asked her out simply because I don't believe in love or relationships.

I am strong, witty, unconventional, beautiful, kick ass, amazing, dynamic, intelligent, sweet, loyal, loving, and kind.

I'm not this girl.
I am not the weak, submissive idiot that love has reduced me to.

Master of Repression

I wasn't pretending when I said I loved you, that I'd be here for you always no matter what and I'm not pretending now. You genuinely make me happy and I've never loved anyone greater. 
This smile is here because of you, the laughter that erupts from my mouth when I read your texts is sincere. You've hurt me in ways I thought you never could, replaced me, and forgotten all the things that drew us to each other in the first place but the feelings are still real.

Do I want to call you and talk about it? Of course but I don't because I care too much for your well-being and not my own. I don't want to add more pressure than you've already got bearing down on you. I don't want to make you sad or upset or stressed. I want to be the source of your happiness, inspiration, and motivation. I want to help not hinder...so instead of telling you about how disgusted I am with the person I've become because of you, I keep myself quiet and suffer in silence, I type my feelings out never to speak them aloud. All for you.

Everything is my fault

I let down my walls for you to come in and begin tearing me apart. I let myself love you more than anyone or anything else. I let you use and humiliate me. I let you strip me of who I am.

I let these things happen...so even though I should be blaming you, I put the fault on myself.

“My earliest wish was not to exist,
to burst in the backyard
without violence,
no blood, no fleshy bits,
mute button pressed
alone behind the rectory
where no one would see me. This wasn’t a plea to be found
or mourned for, but to be unborn
into the atmosphere. To hang
in the humid air, as ponds vent upward
from the overheated earth,
rise until they freeze
and crystallize, then drop
into the aquifer. ”

Eliza Griswold, from Water Table (via branchesnroots)(via likethedark)

Mortal

I've always been very aware of my mortality. I was in a near-constant state of depression from the ages of 9-16 for a lot of different reasons but the fact that I was going to die one day was one of the biggest reasons for that. It got worse and worse with every passing day. The things that once made me happy seemed nonsensical and worthless, after all, what's the point of doing them or finding joy in them if I'm going to be dead one day? None of it will matter then.

I frequently contemplated suicide and one day (when I was 15), even wrote a note, and tried to decide between pills or slashing my wrists in the bathtub. I truly was prepared to die but my faith kept me from acting on it in the end.

That's when I begin to realize many things. The most important being that our mortality shouldn't keep us from living life to the fullest but it should help us appreciate the little time we have on this earth.

Today, I can say I truly do appreciate life and especially the qualities that keep me human and imperfect. Like my bushy eyebrows and big nose and the fact that I still struggle with low self-esteem and not letting others walk all over me.

I get better at accepting things and making myself happy everyday.

Isn't that the point? To make progress, to try?

Love is so fucking stupid...

I don't say this out of bitterness of having not experienced it because this year, I felt it stronger than I ever have before. This is rather out of truth. I mean I always reserved certain negative preconceived notions about it... but now that those notions have been proven, I just don't believe it's real anymore. I believe in the love that a family and God provides but everything else is utter bullshit. Real love is pure, limitless, beautiful, and unfiltered. But I've seen the way people actually love. It's dirty, it's jealous, it's evil. It's impossible for them to demonstrate real love because they are too fucking selfish to put another person first. So what they do instead is drag each other down, turn each other into people they're not, and soil, corrupt, and possess each other. Then they pass that off as love when it's really a disgusting bastardization. Seriously, if that's how it's going to be, I'm content with having nothing.

My anger and loathing are turning me into someone else.

I used to have such an intense hatred of poetry. This hatred stemmed from my misunderstanding of the art form...it just seemed so nonsensical. I couldn't come to grasp how so many disorganized and displaced thoughts could form such beautiful word structures; but there in that puzzlement was the answer to poetry's allurement. There are no rules.

A woman's value, my value, is nothing less than infinite.

-not my quote 

It's weird how you take things from people when you're around them or speak to them long enough...sometimes it's little words or phrases, sometimes it's a new hobby they introduced you to, sometimes it's a piece of their heart.

Our choices reveal far more about us than our abilities ever could.

-not my quote

I have two moods:

1-Oh my God, I am so amazing and unique and powerful and charming and witty and beautiful!!!!! NONE OF THESE ORDINARY MORTALS CAN HANDLE MY GREATNESS!

2-Life is too hard. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate everyone. *Plots detailed suicide on a cue card during French*

Release

Today I decided to stop hurting myself. Not physically, but mentally. I need to take a step back to reevaluate my life and myself...and I need to do it without a certain person. It's going to leave a hole in me and be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but you know that bullshit saying: If you love something, let it go, blah blah blah blah blah. Well, I'm letting go and I'm not going to look back because I need to find someone who REALLY loves me. Someone who would go to the ends of the earth for me like I'm willing to do for them. Fuck anything less. It's not unrealistic and it's not high maintenance of me to want someone who won't see me as a second choice.

Not just yet

“Almost.
It’s a big word for me.
I feel it everywhere.
Almost home.
Almost happy.
Almost changed.
Almost, but not quite.
Not yet.
Soon, maybe.
I’m hoping hard for that.”

— Joan Bauer, Almost Home