Needing affection and acknowledgement and love is the most complicated part of being a human and it's hard because sometimes we want it so badly, we ignore everything else. We hear those sweet lies and want so badly to believe what isn't true. I'm not ignorant. I acknowledge that all that comes out of that perfecct mouth isn't a sparkly, glittery, exquisite word of truth. I acknowledge that I care more therefore I have less power. I acknowledge that I am being taken for granted. I acknowledge that I am only wasting time and making mistakes. But I surely am a fool because I don't care and it's not because I'm in love or anything stupid. Though it is still there because I have a faithful heart, that love has long been exhausted. Not at all as bright and flourishing as it was all those months ago because it's been tarnished by reality.
So then why am I going through with my deeply flawed DV plan?
It's like when my TOM is here and I'm really craving something sweet. The moment desire kicks in, I get my ass up and go to the store to satisfy it so I'm going to apply the same logic to this area of my life. I just need to get it out the way or I'll always have this pathetic longing. Maybe after, I'll regret it...but at least I made my own decision and I'll finally have peace.
I just need this one night, one straight shot, and boom! Infatuation is over. I'm like a guy...once I do the horizontal polka I'm done. My heart will take a chill pill and that feeling in my stomach will go away and I'll be able to sleep without waking up to Niagara Falls in my underwear.
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