Love is such an ugly thing...

No one realizes but it is the dirtiest thing out there. People will manipulate others under the guise of being in love only to get sex or money or whatever else they can get their filthy hands on. Others use it out of desperation: "Don't leave, I didn't mean to hit you again, I LOVE you, I swear!" And many know what they think it is but mistake it for obsession. If you'd kill or steal or hurt another person for love, newsflash, that ain't love, that's you having such an unhealthy infatuation with another person that you'd do crazy things in order to obtain them, like a possession, like an object or thing.

Nobody understands what real love is anymore because it's been beaten and bruised beyond recognition. We've skewed it and twisted it and turned it into a weapon. Love is evil.

Or maybe I'm rambling because I'm just bitter. That's what happens when people say they love you time and time again and then go on to disappoint you, time and time again. Mostly I'm just disappointed with myself. I used to wonder how anyone could allow themselves to be so vulnerable and weak all for the affections of another. I found out just how hard you can fall when you go in unprotected with your shield generators disabled. And for a pretty face and a few cutesy little words, I fell hard and broke every bone in my body. I feel like I talk about it sooooo much but it's because I'm not over it. I'll never forgive myself for becoming such a fool. I'm reminded every time I see that black floral-print dress (that gives me the world's greatest cleavage) of the things I did because I thought he was worth it. It's driving me crazy. Every day it's the same thing, I think I'm finally going to stop torturing myself only to send yet another text. I'm so pathetic. It would be fine if that's how I naturally was all the time but I'm not this lowly creature who begs for scraps of attention only to get nothing or small remnants.

And sweet God if this isn't the worst feeling in the world...I don't know what is. Hypocrite, liar, user, fucking sadist! Who would put their selves through such torture? Me and because of that I've ended up in such a sorry state. What's worse is I care about him, I'd do anything for him. I'll always be his puppet. Fuck, I should just drown my sorrows in a bottle of Vodka and then actually drown myself. That would be far better than thinking of him and suddenly not being able to eat or dressing up really pretty every day only to realize I'm not going to see him...